you know what hurts the most?

I got 'the talk' for the second time from my mom in just a week.

well that's a record for me in my 24 years of pointless life.

and I just realized something; it hurts the most when your own mother accused you of things you didn't do.

she raised the question of what if dad and her passed away? will I only regret by then? she always ask that whenever we're in 'the talk'.

let me ask you this time. what if I go first? will you only live in peace by then?

one thing for sure, my mom didn't even realized I became this rotten because of her own doing. shame.

the "perks" of being the ugly one in the family

you get teased a lot. your self-confidence lowered. you turned anti-social. people judged you hard for being anti-social. even your parents gonna play 'fav child', and obviously you're gonna be the least fav (that is if you're even liked by them).

and they'll pinpoint your hobby (Kpop for me) as to what had made you the black goat of the family.

EXACTLY what I'm experiencing right now.

I dare to say I really hate my mom right now, Idc even if she was the one giving birth to me. she had played 'fav child' on me, and I'm pretty sure she didn't even notice it. ever since my lil sis came home, she only asked for her favor. even only called her to eat meals, like I'm not even exist. HOW AM I NOT FKIN BUTTHURT!

and yet, she blamed my rotten behaviour was all because of me. really??

for me, it had came to the point that I really wish I have a job soon so I can get far away from my family, like, forever.

I still haven't let out all my frustrated feelings. I'm not even in contact with my friends anymore.

perhaps crying to sleep will help.

saying goodbye isn't necessarily hard.

so long, friend of 5 years.

please forget whatever memories we had together, good and bad. please don't try to find out about me from anyone. I'm doing you a favour of removing fake friends in your life.

I am deeply, truly sorry for all the bad things I've done to you and your family. all the bad thoughts I've had on you. intended and unintended. I've reflected on it, without you knowing it.

but, I hope you do realize all your wrongdoings too.

do well in your business. I really hope we don't cross path in the future.

take care.

Mr. Right?

I have one way to see whether I should go after the right guy or not. given that we're already friends, real life or on media social.

HOW, YOU ASK? well, I'll cut off contact with him out of the blue. for an instance, I've unfollowed abam on Instagram. HELL YEAH I DID THAT HA HA HA.

so, if he actually cares about me, he'll seek any of our mutual friends or even ask me directly regarding that matter. even it's as mengarut ntah apa2 as that.

if not, then we'll just continue being like that. I'll move on. no bawling my eyes out. no tidur tak lena, mandi tak basah. nope.

aaand guess what?

it's been a week and I'm still waiting for abam's reaction tho 😭😭😭
(kes tak boleh terima kenyataan abam wasn't into me)

*cues We Don't Talk Anymore*

I wanna go home on the very first day.

ever been to your friend's company retreat thinking you'll fit just well but eventually felt left-out?

AWKKKWAAAAARDDD *crickets sound*

I'm so not gonna join anyone's retreat anymore no matter how bored I am staying at home.

A or B?

people say things that are bound to be yours will come back if you set it free, let it go. don't force it or they to stay. 'if it's meant to be, it will be'.

BUT, there goes this saying 'if you want it, go and get it'. put efforts, even lots of it, on something that you sincerely want. fight for it, so it won't fall to other's hand.

both quotes are correct, relatable to everyone, made from rational thinking. however it opposes each other's basic idea.

the question is, how do I know which quote should I make use of?

tiba-tiba terdeep malam ni. mood swings.

birthday check list.

here is the bucket list I've made on the 1st of August;

1- to have no cake on my birthday.
2- to visit a cat cafe!
3- to comment on abam's posts 🙈

aaand here is the check list;

1- failed. miserably failed. I even received 2 cakes.
2- twas done like 2 weeks before so, checked!
3- failed. but abam's commented on my posts instead YEHETTT 💃💃💃

absolutely not gonna forget my pre-birthday celebration this year coz abam was there! I wonder if he's gonna be there in my next birthday..

shut up and proceed with your work 🌚

YO IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

okay that's more than enough information for today.

(the reason why I got caught, give out my info easily)

(then shamelessly acknowledge it)

(..like right now)

stoned.

tonight, I've realized one thing about myself; I'll turn into a complete stone in front of abam.

in virtual world, etc IG, kemain huhahuha. bila berdepan, not even a glance did I care to give. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

it's like there's a switch inside of me which will automatically switches me into stone mode when it has detected abam's presence in the surrounding.

at this rate, I might just live with my cats and dolls *whispers* ..and oppas *whispers* til I'm all old and wrinkle.

so tell me, dear self, how will you find a husband in the future? tunggu jatuh dari langit?

an attempt in poetry

my day may be filled with D.O.,
my afternoon with Bogum,
my evening with Zelo..
but at night it will always be you!

hashtag sis cuba. kbai.

I'm still a kid.

while girls of my age were reading fixies, engaged in relationship, gadgets, selfies, and hipster cafes..

I'm stuck with fairy tales books, dolls, and cats. not forgetting fangirling over 9 hottest males in my eyes.

I'm a 5 years old stuck in 22 3/4 years old body.

welcome back, favourite month!

I have some wishes in this month.

1- to have no cake on my birthday.
2- to visit a cat cafe!
3- to comment on abam's posts 🙈

sounds ridiculous, childish, immatured, but come on..

IT'S MY MONTH!

nutella absss

a very historic moment happened today at EXO'rdium in Seoul D4; BYUN BAEKHYUN FREAKIN SHOWED HIS SO-CALLED NUTELLA ABS.

like, really? you called that NUTELLA ABS? looks more like CALL-ME-DADDY ABS to me tho hmm

and sorry this entry has no relation to nutella at all.

and oh yasss fan-girling mode, ON!

satu untuk kau, satu untuk aku.

let me give out a fact; my internship ends in 3 days WOOTS

during internship, I always wonder why I've been given so many tasks compare to other trainees. why is my job task so hard. why she got that part, I got this part. why no one helps me. why I finish my task later than everyone. why, why, and why. this is so unfair.

but, I've got the answer right after I intended to write this entry. yup, that's so me. sendiri soal, sendiri jawab lewls

well, everyone got their own share of luck and hardship. maybe I feel burdened at workplace, but not in my social life. maybe she feels at ease at workplace, but struggles in her financial matters.

there. as simple as that.

whatever it is, be it a test or a gift, all praise to God for everything~

senyum, tak perlu kata apa-apa~

belek2 galeri phone, feeds instagram, timeline facebook, satu benda aku perasan;

aku senyum semua nampak gigi.

as far as I remember, I always hide my teeth when smiling. and each time I smile like that, there's always someone who tells me not to smile like that. coz apparently it seems like I pulled a flat smile, kurang ikhlas kata orang..

I truly don't recall since when did I started to show my teeth when smiling. I don't even have the perfect set of teeth, so where did the konpiden comes from?

forever waiting.

apapun benda kan, kalau ditunggu, terasa lambaaat masa berjalan.

if we wait for something to happen, it'll surely feels longer than usual.

any explanation? no? mkay.

PMS = Pre-monster Syndrome

why would ppl define PMS as Pre-menstrual Syndrome when the more accurate definition is Pre-monster Syndrome?

*eats like a pig in bed*

the power of paper-cut

working with mountain loads of paper will get you paper-cuts. lima bulan aku bebas paper-cut, akhirnya tewas. paper-cut is indeed a mysterious incident..

you won't see it coming,
you won't know how it happens,
you won't know which paper did that,
you won't know when did it happened..
(berdasarkan pengalaman aku la)

you'll only realize when your finger stings once it's in contact with water.

but you know what stings more?

when you realized abam is not interested in you. pedih mengalahkan luka paper-cut wehhh 😭

*cue lagu Dewa 19 - Pupus*

ooo baaalik kampung~ eh! baaalik rumah~

going back home today. it'll take lotsss of hour on road so, moving early is a must. and one scene among scenes that'll probably happen in that particular morning, happened just now..

"****** wake up it's late already!! WE NEED TO MOVE EARLY!!"
^ literally screaming on top of lungs

*protests a bit coz being shout at early in the morning*
*showers quickly like water gonna cut off soon*
*gets ready like a flash*
*brings stuff downstairs*

and you know what I saw downstairs?

those screaming mcm orang gila are eating peacefully at the table, not even fully dressed up.

MA HEARTEU. IT IZ HURTING.

this is one of the reason I don't like socializing with hooman.
the reason I like cats more.

*finds random cat to play with*

quick but unnecessary fact

quick fact:

I'M SICK, for the first time in 2016. but I never tell my fam, not anymore. why? the story goes back to Kajang..

once, aku baring di sofa (for a long time it is) sebab x sedap badan. then someone came and told me not to just lie there all day. the next time, aku baring sebab ngantok. then someone came and asked if I'm sick.

ASDFGHJKL@#$%& WHYYYyyYy..

since then I've decided to keep my sickness to myself and my Almighty Creator. cewah. tambahan pulak aku jenis jarang sakit. syukuuur la nak! 